QE Review Ep. 31 - John S.

If last week’s episode was totally gay, then this week’s episode is so un-gay (uh, um, quintessential straight).

Episode 2.31: John Sica – Raising the Stakes

First Aired in SA: 3 May 2006

Ted: “John Sica.”
Kyan: “How sick is he?”
Ted: “He’s sica than most.”

My favourite episode of Queer Eye is the Josh Diaz episode. Now this one, is a definite fav. I loved it.

There were a lot of firsts: the straight guy cleans up the beer, the boys pack some things back when tidying the house, Jai gets handcuffed for real, Ted is a bit crazy, the boys are sassy talkers with one another, and the Fab 5 burp the night away in the loft!

John Sica cleaned up really well. When he was done shaving he looked like a young Kevin Klein (the days of “Grand Canyon”). I digress but Jay Harrington (The Inside) reminds me a lot of the young Kevin Klein.

Ted was a bit crazy: doing some jumping jacks and dance moves when left alone in the kitchen! He’s also more outspoken. It’s all cool because it means he’s having a good time.

John is a beach bum, who dresses for summer all year round. He’s also a retired policeman, with a retired pair of handcuffs, which come with… no keys. Jai finds the handcuffs and puts one cuff round his wrist. Oops. Jai (having found the handcuffs under the pillow): “I thought it was a sex toy.” Carson tries to help Jai by bringing an axe to the scene. Um, run Jai, while you still can. Jai (to Carson while fleeing the axe): “No, forget it. It’s not worth it. I’ll live with it.” Jai doesn’t stand a chance against strong Thom, who drags Jai to a lamp and cuffs him to it. Poor Jai, has genuine fear in his eyes by this stage! Thom and Ted think this is hysterical. This is the most laughter from Thom, and especially Ted, I’ve seen on camera. And, uh, it was really funny. Poor Jai though. Even John told him not to try to shimmy out of the cuffs because they’re real cuffs, to prevent any shimmies. Jai (with a giggling Thom and Ted trailing him): “I’m stuck like this. Let’s just make peace with it. Just move on people! What? You’ve never seen a man attached to a lamp before?!” Ted: “Hey Jai, we can use a little light over here. Can you come over?” Jai eventually unscrews parts of the lamp and gets free of it. Ted: “Well, you’re a regular Houdini.” Jai then makes his way to the kitchen and prepares a snack: “I’m sorry. I’m depressed about this so I’m having a Fluffernutter.”

The boys then take an axe to the woodwork. Poor table. Carson swings first and the axe jumps back off the table. No surprise here, Thom nails it, and then Jai finishes it off to applause.

Carson messes bleach all over himself and freaks out at the couture splatter. Carson was looking cute in this episode.

When Carson announces the fashion show is starting, Thom runs from the fridge. No surprise there. Interesting how both Thom and David Hewlett are food crazy. Well, I love food too.

I liked how Ted explains that the contents of your sandwich shouldn’t go flying out everywhere and that it is the job of the “sandwich artists” to prevent that.

Oh, the boys looked hot, dressed for an Oceans’ 11 night in the loft, although I don’t think Thom got the memo. No, seriously, Kyan and Carson looked hot. A red suit actually is very nice.

This John just spent the whole night drinking beer.

I was very pleased at how sensitive Jai was to the women’s needs. He organised for them to go to a nice restaurant while the mob was playing poker. Carson also made over all John’s poker buddies. They really behaved and sounded like the mob. Here we go with the accents again. The Fab 5, and especially Kyan, were very good at ripping them off. That, couple with the Fab 5 trying to burp, was absolutely hysterical. You can’t help but laugh. John’s friends are arguing with him about meat on the sandwiches, pedicures, etc. Ted: “They look like they’re about to go whack someone.” Thom: “I can’t do that. I don’t perspire and I don’t burp.” Thom is talking and saying how boring this poker night is and Carson manages to burp and he stands up announcing he belched with a yeah, I did it, triumphant tone!

The boys decide to play gay poker at the end of the evening. Carson bets his designer shoes. Kyan picks up Jai, who yells: “No! I can’t be bet. You can’t bet humans!”

Brilliant. Hysterical. That’s Queer Eye for you.


Quotes:

John: “What is it?”
Kyan: “It’s a hair salon.”

John: “Oh, you know my barber?”

Carson (stretching a balloon): “These are the smallest condoms I’ve ever seen. Oh, I’m sorry. You’re lucky you had three kids.”

Kyan, pointing out his good looks:
Kyan: “Yeah, being handsome takes work. You think this just happens? No.”

Ted (holding ‘cards’ of raw beef): “Deal me in some mad cow.”

The son on why he beats his dad at poker: “He gets drunk too early.”

Kyan: “I am the grooming genii. I grant you three wishes. What would you like? No nose hair? I do it.”
Carson: “You need to rub something.”
Kyan: “No back hair? I do it.”

Ted: “Filicia, party of four.”

Ted (yelling at Thom in another room): “So what stays, Thom? Anything? This is ugly?”
Thom (yelling back from the other room): “Well Ted, if we had to get rid of everything that was ugly, you wouldn’t be here.”
Ted (saying it just as Thom did): “You wouldn’t be here either.”

Carson: “Are there any construction workers coming?”

Carson is at a Bloomingdale’s store (again) and makes a comment about John’s clothing:
Carson: “This isn’t beach bum. This is beach homeless.”

Ted (about the wort): “Baby beer!”

John (wanting to drink more beer): “Wait. Where’re we going? He’s got beer here.”
Ted: “Put the beer down, we gotta go.”
John: “Where we going now?”

About the drawers being used to open beers:
Thom: “Now I know what to do for every straight guy in the world! I love you. Thank you.”

Ted: “What do you think about dieting?”
John: “Haven’t really thought about it.”
Ted: “Good thinking. Me neither.”

Boys (yelling): “Poker!”
Kyan: “Poke her. I don’t even know her!”

Carson: “Men are pigs but I love pork.”

Thom: “This is very fanciful, Ted. Are you sure we’re not going to get his ass kicked?”

Carson (about the daughter shaking when she sees Thom’s work): “Trish is either excited or she’s gonna vomit!”

Carson: “That’s the hot one. Lean back all you want. I’ll be right over.”
Carson: “The hot guy won. Tale your shirt off.”

Carson: “Peer pressure works. I knew it would!”